Learning Narrative

I remember the first time I saw her dark skin glistening from the cool water her curves were gliding so perfectly through. She was what wanted, and I got her. The first time she let me inside of her was almost surreal. I couldn’t explain exactly what I was feeling, pleasure or love or hatred or maybe even a little fear of the unknown future. Rightfully so as there was no way I could have ever predicted the kind of affair she and I would have over those five years. I couldn’t fathom how black the rings around my eyes would get on account of the numerous sleepless and broken nights on account of her, and the kind of unnatural power she had over my every thought, desire, and feeling. I knew destroying lives was something she had somewhat of reputation for.  She had the power to draw you in and right when you thought everything was going well, your whole world would crumble around you. And there wasn’t a thing you could do about it. But still I loved her, committed to her, did my best to do what I thought she wanted to make her better. I was and still am ready to die to protect her. Whatever it takes as long as she is safe.    

But how? How can I, a twenty year old kid that barely knew anything about anything go on her, make her run, make her dive under water for months at a time, with a bunch of guys I never met before, in unfriendly places doing things I have been sworn to keep secret. She taught me. She taught me more than I could have imagined, more than I care to know really. But I learned a few lessons that stood out, beliefs that shaped what I am now, ideas that when lived by, make you strong, make it so your limits do not exist, make your leadership trusted, your judgement unquestionable, and your character respected. 

My old boss put something into words once for us, I guess I had heard it before, but didn’t really think of it in regards to my job, that at that point in time had taken a heavy toll on us. He said “it’s all what you make of it.” This got me thinking about how my attitude could affect my life on a submarine, a life that is usually spent on that submarine, working, on duty, or under way. There were no breaks in this routine, I was so tired I wasn’t tired anymore more times than I can count, I was there so many weekends that I look back at the five years and think I only had two or three of them off in that period. That sucks. But what if I took the attitude that it didn’t, that going under way was a easy (which is was) and that duty was fun ( which it was not). So I thought about the big picture, how bad ass submarines are, and how bad ass I could be if I had an attitude that matched excellence. In my experience, attitude is all the difference, If your attitude is wrong from the get go, you will fail.

It was preached to us from day one, integrity, the word that defines the nuclear power program in my opinion. What did they tell us integrity was? Simple, doing what is right even though no one is looking. We all know not to lie, we are taught that from when we are first able to learn, simple concept. But integrity is more than that, it is living the truth, doing the right thing even though no one is watching, and doing the right thing even though others might not care wether it is a lie or not. In the end though, this simple thing, being an honest person all the time, even though it isn’t necessarily convenient for you, can make a difference that I didn’t realize. This concept came naturally to me, I was raised to tell the truth, always, no matter what. When I look back at what that did for me, it is somewhat astounding. Trust takes some time to build, but when it was built, no one ever questioned me, if I said it happened, it did. Living by this simple concept, integrity, can certainly make life a little bit easier.

Standing up to for your beliefs can be difficult. Peers can negatively influence you if you are easily swayed. For some it does not take much. But it is tough to teach to younger  peers, not to let what you believe is right and not right be pushed away in attempts to make it in good with someone, a leader or some mentor. Usually it must be learned the hard way, you mess up and fail because you took a shortcut. Anywhere in life I believe this hold true. Stick to your guns. Trust yourself and be able to make a decision. Even if it isn’t a good one, at least you did what you believed, showed some dedication to yourself.

The boat tests you, it makes you go beyond the limits you thought you had. It is a cruel and harsh teacher. I have seen it break men, young ones and seasoned sailors, it can whittle away at the strongest of people until they crack. It always finds a new way to mess with you. Was that worth it? I can say that I contributed to national defense, maybe. That fact makes the sacrifice justified I guess. I wasn’t important enough to truly know if what we did meant something or if it was just smoke and mirrors. What I do know is that the boat shaped my own life, made me what I am, made me know just what I am capable of, what my weaknesses and strengths are, and the influence I can make on others if I put my mind to it. If that skill turns out the way I want, the way I am working toward, as a benefit to mankind. Then the suffering of the boat will have been worthwhile.